Mama

My son

I sat tonight as is now our rhythm, in the dark you suckling at my breast. Measured breaths and heartbeat slowing, time stilling and the moment becoming something infinite in my memory. I never understood the beauty of this until you. I’d not nourished your sister in this same way from my body and I thought I knew how this would be, but I didn’t. This is the most primal and sacred of things and in this moment I feel invincible, connected, part of something bigger than you or I will ever comprehend.

I am mesmerised by the simple whorl of your ear. I can’t help but stare and I cannot think outside of this second

But at the same time I feel and think it all. In this moment my love for you is overwhelming and tears prick my eyes and my skin shivers. My soul understands the meaning

I hope you will feel this loved all your life

I know some day that this ear will be kissed by another with as much love as I feel now. I hope so. I hope you feel it always. Some other soul will kiss you here and inhale your smell and rub their nose against your skin. I ache with the beauty and the loss of that all at the same time. You are mine, and theirs, and just you. All at once.

This love is beyond words. It rips from my insides whilst also singing a gentle lullaby, it cannnot be described. You are my baby. You will one day be someone’s love too. I want arms to hold you forever.

This thing of motherhood where you feel so aware of this moment in it’s bittersweet glory is so painful it is white hot beautiful.

You are already etched into the fabric of me, you always have been since the beginning of whatever it is we stars are. And you always will be. I hope you know. I hope it’s written inside you somewhere too. Hidden but softly glowing. An ember of indescribable truth.

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